Hi everyone. I've been meaning to seek advice from you wonderful folks for a little while now. I just haven't had the ability to gather my thoughts lately. Tonight however, I badly need a distraction. I really do think that the folks who post on here are intelligent, caring, thoughtful and insightful. Time and time again I have been touched and impressed by the wonderful words I've read on this board. I find myself in some strange circumstances at the moment and turn to you for any words of wisdom or encouragement.
I so desperately need a distraction tonight because my father passed away today after a long and terrible battle with Alzheimer's Disease. It has been so terribly painful to see this once strong man so frail. He no longer knew his family but every once in a while there would be a small flicker of recognition. I am so grateful that his passing was quick and painless.
However, there is another matter that causes me even more grief. This May I would have been married 24 years. This past March my world came crashing down. I came home from picking our 4 year old son from school and there was a message waiting for me on the voice mail. It was from my husband's cell number. The redial button had been pushed accidentally and the message recorded was my husband having sex with another woman. What are the odds of that? I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach. I pretended I didn't hear anything when my husband got home. I had never been the type to snoop or open his mail. I trusted this man completely and respected him. But I started to snoop. What I discovered was incredible. I won't go into every detail as I could write a novel. Instead I'll just hit the highlights.
First, this affair was with a coworker and I think has been going on for years. I now know that he had used sick time and vacation time from work to spend with her. He had even brought our son, when he was just a baby to see this woman.
Second, he had been forging my name on cheques he stole from me and taken money out of my bank account. We had separate bank accounts. We also had a joint savings account which he wiped clean. He had told me for years that there was an RRSP set up in my name. I gave him money over the years to put into it. It doesn't exist. As you can probably guess, I am very naive especially with any financial issue. I entered this marriage with what could be described as a phobia about banks and finances. This man manipulated me and played on this over the years. I couldn't have been an easier target. I now have nothing after 20 years of work.
Third, he supposedly had a Phd in psychology. I was with him when he was supposedly going to school. I read his thesis. He showed me his diploma/degree. It was all fake. What was he doing all that time?
He was not physically violent to me except very recently when he had been caught and there was no where else to turn. I wasn't believing his lies any more. He grabbed my arm and squeezed so hard and the look in his eyes was frightening.
I feel incredibly stupid. I feel like those letters are etched on my forehead. How could I live with this man for all those years and not realize what was going on? In the last year some issues have surfaced but I tried to rationalize them. I couldn't think these terrible things about this man. He is so calm and quiet. He always says the right thing. It couldn't possibly be true. But after all these recent events, my eyes are finally open.
I think I'm on the right track now. My son and I have left him. I have a good lawyer and I'm getting therapy. My main concern is my son. I am arranging visits weekly. I am always present. I fear to leave my son alone with him. After all this time I don't know who this man is. I find it creepy. At this time he does not really even apologize or admit they he did anything wrong. His attitude is righteous and he says things like "I can't change the past". There is even more to this but I think that's enough for now.
I am now living in my parent's house. I am grateful that I am here when my mom really needs someone. And I am grateful to my mom for being here when we needed her.
So there it is. I also must say that I have been turning to DG's music often over these months. Although songs like Forgetting and Nemesis are almost too painful to listen to, I still do listen. It helps me to grieve and also to move on to the next thing I have to do. Every day is full of things that are difficult to do and I find DG's music helps me to find the courage to do it. On this day that my father died, I realize that what I'm going through in my marriage is like mourning. The man I thought I knew is dead to me. The man I trusted more than anyone else. The man I confided in completely. The pain I feel sometimes drags me down so deep. But I look at my beautiful son and I find courage there too. I get up in the morning for him and he always brings a smile to my face. I also have some wonderful family and friends. Anyway, I've gone on too long. Thank you for letting me vent. It has been very therapeutic.
One of you fine folks told me "life can be beautiful" and indeed this is true. I am continuing to see the beautiful things and enjoy life as much as I can. I don't want to waste any more time. There is too much to live for. My son needs to be surrounded by happiness and a positive outlook so that is my focus.
Any advice or words of wisdom are welcome. Thanks again.
Paula